We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
