I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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