I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
