According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
