Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
