Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
