i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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