My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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