i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
