what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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