Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
