Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
