That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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