Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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