Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
