how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
