Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
