My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
