Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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