my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
