Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize