Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
