he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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