They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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