All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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