whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Found the puke drawer
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
