i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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