Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She told me I should be a condom model.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
