I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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