Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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