...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
