trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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