Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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