i think i have herpe
just one?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
