i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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