I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Houston, we have a blender
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
