Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
