I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
