Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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