I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
