This is not my ceiling
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
