I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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