I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
