My sheets look like a crime scene.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize