It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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