i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
