so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Come see our sink grown plant.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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