nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize