spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
