He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
