At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
