4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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