I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Two words: blizzard sex
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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