my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
