all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
