I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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