im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
