I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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