i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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