I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize