please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
