I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
